It was the end of the lunch break and we were all filing out  of the foyer to go upstairs and resume our  lectures. Talking and laughing, we reached It. There It was. The Dreaded  Staircase.

It wasn’t the transition from rickshaw to train to cab to foot to get to college on time, It wasn’t the restriction on the length of our pants, it wasn’t even the meticulously boring 50 minute lectures based on nonsensical topics like patterns of adultery practiced among tribals in Northern Bihar, that were the worst part of college. It was the 2 minute-long climb up the staircase to get to the second floor.

The duration of that ascent is like re-living Calvary(Not like I’ve ever lived through it before).However I try to make it better, nothing works. I’ve tried holding my breath and exhaling at regular intervals like they said in Cosmo, I’ve tried doing it fast. I’ve tried doing it slow. I’ve tried running up on the balls of my feet, I even tried pushing people down the staircase (Alright, that was just to satisfy the sadist in me).But it’s always the same.

The more I stood, glaring up at that looming flight of stairs, the more convinced I was.

Staircases are an integral, yet undoubtedly evil component of societal life. Look, I can wipe away the grime off the windshield, which is the untarnished, beatified image of staircases that society has ingrained in our impressionable minds, and show you the dirty truth.

When you watch a Hindi Star Plus soap, and it involves a pregnant lady, what’s the FIRST thought that comes to you? Of COURSE there’s an evil scheming villain-lady(with too much makeup) lurking nearby, waiting to push her off the long, winding staircase in their ancestral home and make it look like an accident. She could’ve laced the pregnant lady’s milk with poison; She could’ve broken  the brakes of the pregnant lady’s car – They’re more conventional methods. But the staircase appealed to her more. Why? BECAUSE  STAIRCASES ARE EVIL.

Now think of old people and associate them with staircases. OBVIOUSLY they’re going to topple down the staircase! First of all, the poor things can hardly ever SEE, since they always seem to be wearing spectacles that aren’t even meant for them(Hey, are opticians in on this conspiracy too?)And then there’s the known fact that their bones are brittle as a shortbread cookie. What does this tell you? STAIRCASES ARE EVIL.

Now think of the staircases at Bandra Station. You would think that with half of the country’s damn populace travelling by trains, the government would take the fact into consideration but Noooo. Instead, they’ve gone ahead and made staircases out of the SMOOTHEST material, so that when it rains(which is always),we have to take MINISCULE steps with BOTH feet to ensure that we don’t slip and break our limbs and cut our heads – not to forget, get publicly embarrassed.  But of course, we’ll be at the top of the murderously slippery staircase JUST as the train decides to make an appearance, in which case we have to abandon all caution and flat-footedly race down the steps, either to our impending deaths or in time to catch the train. I’m so sure this is the government’s foolhardy solution to tackle with the problem of population explosion. TO HOPE THAT WE SLIP TO OUR DEATHS.AT THE STATION. How tasteless.

And finally, the song ‘Stairway to Heaven’ and the picture of a long, narrow white staircase leading upwards to a yellow light, is quite famous. Do you know why they chose a staircase?

Because no one would end up climbing it!!Have you SEEN the LENGTH of that staircase??

People’d just fall over backwards, all the way down and DIE. Or, the people that DID manage to cover half the flight would get muscular paralysis or a leg would get disembodied or something and they’d just die a pitiful death there. Which, metaphorically putting it, Is saying that it’s impossible to get to heaven.

But IS it impossible to get to heaven?

No, it’s Not. You just take the stupid white staircase out of the equation and heaven can be sought.

And thus we have proved that staircases are, in fact, evil. And that the Indian Government is tasteless.

4 thoughts on “Staircases

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